Mental Health

Things...have not been awesome lately. My anxiety has spiked and it's been especially awful since I cannot point to anything specific to address in order to make things better.

In a Commander game last night-in all my Magic games last night-I just felt like trash. 

It didn't help that I was effectively locked out of the game via a Niko, Light of Hope loop with Solitude. I was playing Gisa and Geralf, and for some reason this deck just never works well, a condition that was adding to my poor state of mind. Plus: graveyard interactions are frequently nerfed by exile removal suites, so I had a bad matchup on top of that.

Maybe you know how it is; Why isn't this thing ever getting better?

I've felt like that a lot lately-decks I'm building just not coming together and the experience of losing but not knowing why feels bad. 

And it wasn't the other players: I really like the company I keep! But still, I was mostly helpless against the board state until I drew a Decree of Pain. Cool, here's an out for everyone! I don't have any creatures, the Hazezon Tamar player has five tokens and we're both being blown out: let's reset the board.

So I do that, and the Tamar player shoots his tokens at me via Goblin Bombardment. 

Which felt like a mistake to me. I'm not saying that it was, just that I was not the threat on board: The player gaining 12+ life a turn was. 

So; felt locked down and then mis-identified as the threat; ugh. It was bad for my headspace.

This morning I realized that the game was unearthing how I have felt at large for the past weeks. Helpless and frustrated. The game just put a spotlight on things so I couldn't ignore it.

Which isn't fuckin' fun, right? 

So, what can I do? 

Well, the first thing is to remember that I am not helpless here. I conceded the Commander game-and the constructed one early-in order to keep my headspace from getting worse. 

The other thing I can do is take Gisa & Geralf out of rotation until I can figure out what the fuck is wrong with that deck. It's zombie typal; it should be fun and it's got power. Maybe put some of my problem solving towards fixing that! 

The third thing I can do is remember that sometimes, things don't work out; that's part of the deal. It isn't personal. Even though it can feel personal.  

And the fourth thing I can do is look back and see if there is something I learned. There can be things overlooked in the moment because I'm not at my best, so I should give myself enough slack to review things and see if there's anything beneficial! 

In this case there was: in the constructed game I was playing Peaches and recognized that if I copied Will-o-the-Wisp with Silent Hallcreeper, I could have a 2/3 flying, regenerating creature to help keep the beats going. 

Nice spotting that interaction!