I saw a similar evaluation of myself in one that he made:
I am clever enough to know how insignificant I am.That's a difficult thing to swallow. Extending out from that notion, is my own understanding of what I am good at: It is not Magic.
Don't get me wrong: I love to play the game and after nineteen years, I've become fairly adept at it. I've even gotten better as I've been writing this blog: the written catalog of mistakes, the forceful evaluation of decks and card choices have shifted how I build decks and play Magic, all for the best.
Nonetheless, I'm not that good at the game. There is a limit to my intelligence and to my time, so I can only be so prepared, only so smart.
And people like being appreciated for things they feel (or wish) they are good at. I'm no different. Garrison Keillor said (I'm paraphrasing) "Every man likes to feel that he is the best at something." I rarely feel as though I am even good at anything. Best? Never. And it seems like that should matter quite a bit.
That's a difficult thing to carry around the brain.
Now, I have made a decision to try and conduct myself as honorably as possible. Even with that, opponents have held their cards too low and I've seen them. Yes, I said something the first couple times but not every single time; it just becomes easier to look away, sometimes. It may seem penny-ante but I am trying to hold myself to an appropriate standard.
Because I get it. I get the notion that one derives self-worth from being good at a task. It is very, very difficult to believe that you have worth, just because you exist and are being a good person. We place a lot of emphasis on success and with that often comes a sneering at failure and at the people who fail.
So I understood why James cheated, better than I expected.
His conclusion, however, is important: The cost isn't worth the risk.
Because my truth is, your worth does come from that struggle to be a good person. Being a good person is something that takes forever to build, (or rebuild) and only a moment to destroy. When you've had everything built laid waste, life can seem pretty grim.