This deck is stressing me out.
I know I said I wanted to get out more; taking one of my decks and sleeving it up with opaque sleeves is the proof that I'm going to do this.
I hated every minute of that. It made me so anxious to make this deck. I know it isn't proven, I know it's a weird thing that I hope I like. Goldfishing has been fun, and I know I'm not going to win anything.
I just want to play.
But. I also want to try and make some connections. See if people will be friendly. I've been talking about expanding the Magic circle since 2020 and this is the first chance I'm taking to make that happen.
It feels awful. It feels like being the last kid picked for a team, forever. It feels like I'm going to be an isolated loser, surrounded by people who are taking their Magic Quite Seriously.
I want to play my game well, but I don't want to get wrapped around the axel about winning and has nothing to do with my actual goal: maybe making new friends. I'm also just nervous because I am bad in competitive environments. I don't exactly know why but it seems to be true. I go from an average player to a terrible one.
The point is: there is a lot wrapped up in just trying to make this deck.
So, I'm posting this as a way to make sure that I go out on Friday and try. Even if I feel bad. I can talk about the deck next week.
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